I’m back…

Though I doubt anyone will read this, being as this blog is pretty much dormant, I figured I’d write a bit to get my feelings out. This past year has been pretty hectic, not because of schoolwork (although I guess that can be a part of it) but because anorexia has paid me a lengthy visit along with her lovely friends, the razor blades. I know one of my last posts had to do with me wanting to lose weight, but after I posted that I decided to keep my weight where it was, maybe even gain a bit.

Then a girl in my school disappeared for a few months. When she finally turned up in school again I found out she had been hospitalized for anorexia…. anyone with or recovering from anorexia will probably understand how big of a trigger this was to me, leading me to promptly drop 13 pounds (87 pounds). I don’t know what to do with myself.. I feel like a failure because I tried so hard not to slip back into these bad habits. At the same time, though, I’m absolutely ecstatic that I was able to lose the weight which pretty much spells TROUBLE for me.

Though I’m probably not too underweight, I know I have anorexia because I’ve been hospitalized for it in the past and the thoughts have never left me since, growing stronger in the past few months. I’m not denying my illness, which is probably a good step towards recovery. But… I don’t want to recover. I want to lose more weight. I want to see all of my bones again and feel light as a feather.

The thing is – when I think about the time I was at my lowest weight (around 60 pounds) I just feel longing, a desire to be back there again. To turn back the clock and be back at that weight. But what my memory doesn’t account for is the utter sadness I had sunk into at that weight, I don’t remember being cold all of the time. I don’t remember what it’s like to be hungry all of the time. I just remember all of my clothes falling off of me and people commenting how thin I’d gotten. And THAT is what I want back, not everything that comes along with it.

But in the past few months, when I dropped 13 pounds, the anorexic thought have been overtaking my entire being, distracting me from school, friends, family, a life. My grades have been dropping, I started cutting again, I’m pulling away from friends, and I’m just sad all of the time. And the worst part is – I’m aware of all of that and yet I can’t stop myself sinking deeper.

I’m falling. I’m slipping and nobody is there to help me up, to encourage me to help myself. Everyone is just completely oblivious and I’m left to deal with this on my own. That’s good for Ana but horrible for my recovered self… I just don’t know what to do…

 

p.s. I swear this isn’t an April Fool’s post

Thoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughts

Have you ever had a time when your brain just wouldn’t stop over-analyzing everything, just thinkingthinkingthinking nonstop? I mean, obviously you should be consciously thinking about things, but here I’m referring to over-thinking. And not just once – ALL OF THE TIME. Since I have absolutely no idea how the brain works (and please correct me on this if I’m horribly wrong) but sometimes it seems to me that most people don’t over-think everything like I do. Do you think that this kind of thinking go hand in hand with anorexia, which basically makes its victims constantly over-analyze their bodies and food intake?

Sometimes I just want to turn off my brain and not have to think so much anymore. Some may see it as a blessing (and I admit it comes in handy when writing analytic essays) but I think it generally stops me from living normally and just having a good time. If I’m asked to go out to eat with family or friends, for example, my mind will instantly fall into thinkthinkthink mode and just go non-stop all night aretheylookingatme? dotheyseewhatIhaveonmyplate? amItalkingenough? cantheyseealloftheimperfectionsonmyface? doIlooknormalwhenIeat? and it just ends up being a mentally draining experience.

I think I just need to let go more often and say “Well, honestly, why should my having a good time be determined by the way I perceive others to be judging me? They’re not looking at me, they’re busy having a good time like I should be doing too” It’s just something I have to work on, and I hope that anyone else who struggles with this issue overcomes this so they can enjoy their lives to the absolute fullest.

If you got this far into my post congratulations on enduring my little rant (kinda) and I do hope to be a bit more uplifting next time

Okay, I’m gone.

Seriously, teacher??

Me: Y U give me AP Euro work over mid-winter break??

Teacher: Because I is evil and revel in torturing my loverly students in any way/time possible

Me: But I thought teachers are humane creatures

Teacher: Well, you thought wrong, bitch! *cackles*

Me: *sobs* fml. *hides tail between legs and walks with head down to bedroom to do homework like a good child*

Ok, that’s not exactly how things went down, but those are the words my mind converted my conversation with my AP Euro teacher into, to dramatize things a bit. THE SITUATION IS SERIOUS AND SHOULD NOT BE DOWNPLAYED.

I’m stuck in this mind-inhibiting prison named “school” by society and held in the highest regard in the eyes of learned individuals who are under the impression that they fully recognize the potential school has to widen the minds of the wandering souls that enter its hallowed walls every day. However, they are horribly mistaken in the sense that school actually dulls my passion to learn (which I actually had before school dismantled it and hid the parts in various places to prevent it from being put back together) and makes everything a chore, when in fact learning can be fun. If you didn’t give me work to do over break, I’d be sure to research something and not let my mind fill with dust over break, but at least I’d be researching at my own leisure and researching a topic that I like at that. I think I might even enjoy AP Euro should it be devoid of its mind-numbing and completely pointless tests that go out of their way to confuse the test-taker. It should not be confusing. PLEASE NOTE COLLEGE BOARD AND CRONIES: The test should be styled in a way that a student familiar with the material should be able to ace it. A test that is purposely made difficult does not accurately measure the test-taker’s knowledge of the material being tested on. Geeeeeeeeez.

Found on 9gag

Hipster Princesses

Blargh: Anorexia, Recovery, Repeat

So I’ve mentioned that I’m anorexic. Thought I might touch on that point a bit just because I feel like writing about it. I’ve had anorexia (according to my calculations) for about 3 1/2 years, since the summer after 6th grade. It sucks, its a horrible disease that fucks with your mind and makes you see the whole world differently as though being a teenager wasn’t hard enough. I constantly feel like nobody understands me as a teenager, anorexic, or cutter but I know that can’t be true according to plain ol’ fact, but I tend to get very illogical about things like this.

Anyways, I went from 100 pounds (I’m 5 feet tall) down to 60 in quite a short period of times, went up to about 85-90 in 8th grade due to treatment, then gained a whole lot that summer and went up to 105. I hated it. I hated myself and I hated that weight. In 9th grade, I decided to lose that weight and went down to 93 pounds before gaining again and reaching 100 pounds once more. Now I find myself in 10th grade, upset and confused about everything that’s going on. Blargh. Blarghblarghblarghblarghblargh. I want to lose 10 pounds to feel good about myself again (90 is not underweight for my height) but I don’t know if I should, in case I slip back into anorexia and get sent to treatment again which I HATED. What do you think I should do? (Might not follow majority, I just want some feedback. Comment if you’d like) 

Chicken Soup for the Soul

Listen daily for maximum inspiration.
This song taught me that in order to enjoy life yourself, you should try helping others first.

Welcome To My Humble Blog

Hello

I will try to to keep this blog as anonymous as possible while attempting to let out the contents of my soul. Challenging, I think, but I’m game. Anyways, I’m a 15 year old girl just going through the motions of adolescence, trying to make sense of anything and everything. Through this blog, I’ll try to entertain, inspire, motivate, relate with others and share, but I warn you now – I may cover some topics such as anorexia, cutting, and depression, all of which I have dealt with. If you are triggered by talk of these topics – please don’t read this blog for your sake. I’ll try to keep it positive and inspirational, but sometimes I may break down and rant away. In which case a shoulder to cry on will be most welcome.

Enjoy (hopefully)